The Penn State Pro Wrestling Club

So who's going?

Wrestling is broken.

We are fans of an utterly unique medium, one that requests very odd things from its patrons. Among them is a certain sense of detachment, in the face of pageantry; a request that, while we root for certain individuals, and while we pretend to some degree that the dramas presented have weight and significance, we still remain aware that the act is just that: a show, a farce, nothing more.

And so, with the vast majority of the actors in this show, we have no personal attachment. We may have some that we prefer watching over others, and some that amuse us or call our attention more often, but there are only a select few that we actually 'like' - that we feel some vested interest in, even a bit of emotional attachment to. And for the most part, these are those that, in addition to presenting a believable and entertaining character, we have some degree of respect for: either as a performer, as an athlete, or as an individual.

Before today, Chris Benoit, for most of us, was all of these things. On a purely unbiased level, he produced some of the best entertainment that we have ever witnessed in this bizarre medium. A good many of us thought that his approach to the art of wrestling, his mastery of it, and his respect for it put him above nearly all of his contemporaries; that he was a more 'worthy' professional wrestler than just about all others. And, especially following the death of Eddie Guerrero, a good many of us felt that he was a good and honorable person in addition to his professional merits.

We now slowly learn that Chris Benoit, he who we respect in a field of lowlifes and thugs, has committed some of the most atrocious acts that any of us can imagine. Obviously, we cannot yet speculate as to why this happened (and, to be fair, at the time of this writing, nothing can be known definitively.) Furthermore, in an instance such as this, anger is misplaced and counter-productive; all the emotion that is needed is sorrow and pity. Nevertheless, as much as we are jaded about the nature of celebrity and the actions of professional wrestlers, we struggle to understand this. A friend tonight called Chris Benoit, "Everyone's favorite wrestler." This is a fairly accurate statement, and we try to decide how our respect and admiration, which we gave in spite of ourselves, was so misplaced.

When we finish questioning the events of this weekend and grieving for them, we will find ourselves still fans of professional wrestling. But tonight, for the first time in the history of professional wrestling as a prominent medium, the show did not go on. The show went on through Owen Hart's death, and wrestlers competed 24 hours after the life of Eddie Guerrero ended. Smackdown went live 56 hours after the September 11th attacks. But tonight, the house went dark. Vince McMahon appeared in the ring and called off storylines, referring to wrestlers for the first time ever as "performers."

The illusion is shattered, perhaps on every level. Can we ever truly respect a performer in this theater again? We've had our trust, so reluctantly given, betrayed - how can we possibly give it again? And furthermore, within the show itself, how can there still be heroes and villains? How can these performers put on that show, when the ultimate hero turned out this way? Can we ever cheer again like we did on the night of Wrestlemania 20? What joy is left?

CHIKARA Young Lions Cup V - Night 3 - Results
Edward H. Ackerman American Legion Hall - Hellertown, PA - June 24th 2007

The Kings of Wrestling open the show with a promo in support of Chuck Taylor. Manly group hug aaaaaand we're out. When they were done, Team F.I.S.T. came out to air their grievances of being JERKS who LOST the night previous, and issued an open challenge to ANYBODY. Whilst George called for Zane Madrox - a call for which Gran Akuma was in favor - coming from the crowd entrance area, Los Ice Creams accepted.

1. Los Ice Creams (El Hijo del Ice Cream & Ice Cream, Jr.) def. Team F.I.S.T. by pinfall when both men pinned Akuma after a Doomsday Assissino.

Great opener - really was. Fast-paced, and no-nonsense. No unnecessary down-time, with good hitting. Los Ice Creams were donning new purple gear. I'd bet good money Los Ice Creams are staring down having 3 points in the near future. I'LL TAKE THE PURPLE GUYS, 7-TO-1 ODDS.

2. The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple (UltraMantis Black, Hydra & Crossbones) def. Super Xtremo, Player Uno & Moscow the Communist Bovine by pinfall when Mantis used the Praying Mantis Bomb on Xtremo.

Mantis refused to square up against Moscow, obviously due to his personal beliefs. Hydra dropped a bag of grass to distract Moscow, who proceeded to eat the grass. GEIT COZ HES A COW?

3. Billy Roc def. Amigo Suzuki by pinfall with a most well mannered frog splash.

A little too much Billy Roc in the weekend for me. Hope to see Amigo again.

4. The Olsen Twins (Jimmy Olsen & Colin Olsen) def. The North Star Express (Ryan Cruz & Darin Corbin) by pinfall when Colin used the ropes for leverage to pin Corbin.

The North Stars came out in vintage Minnesota North Stars jerseys. This match alone is worth the DVD purchase. Just a few minutes in, someone yells "SLOW DOWN!" and then the next 3-4 minutes (or it seemed) of the match was performed in slow-motion. I am not kidding in saying that this was truely one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in wrestling ever. Then, being the awesome people we are, we get the crowd going in a slow-mo version of the "THIS is AWE some" chant WITH CLAPS AND EVERYTHING! BUY THE FREAKING DVD!

5. Lince Dorado def. Mitch Ryder

Mitch Ryder is amazing. As John has said elsewhere, his offense is basic, but his charisma blows the roof off the building. After the sort-of-upset, Mitch proceeds to beat the living shit out of Lince, and then takes out a student as well.

Intermission time!

6. "Lightning" Mike Quackenbush def. "Superstar" Shayne Hawke by pinfall with the QD2.

Funny start to the match, as Shane Hawke tried to convince Derek Sabado of nefarious acts by Mike Quackenbush. After being fed up by Hawke's false claims, Quackenbush actually DOES commit said nefarious offenses. When Hawke complains again to Sabato, Sabato asks Quackenbush, "Did you do these things?" Quack responds with, "Yes I absolutely did. Are you going to disqualify me?" To which Sabato responds, "Nope." Pretty quick match, but I think Hawke stepped up to the challenge fairly well. I am officially a Shane Hawke fan.

7. BLK-OUT (Sabian & Ruckus) def. The Colony (Fire Ant & Soldier Ant) by pinfall when Sabian hit the Black Jesus Stomp.

Ruckus dropped the F-bomb - SHOCKING! During the match, Sabian was questioning the crowd how they could possibly boo him. Claimed it was a "black" thing. But yeah, then BlkOut continued their assault on The Colony post-match. I smell an angle.

8. The Kings of Wrestling (Chris Hero & Claudio Castagnoli) def. Cheech & Cloudy by pinfall when Claudio gave Cloudy the Ricola Suplex.

This was a good, but not great match - probably hindered by being too short. KOW spent a good portion of the match being on different pages, only to finally get on the same page with a simple double-boot. I'd like to see a rematch

9. Golden Dream Trios Match: Hallowicked, Jigsaw & Shane Storm def. Larry Sweeney, Max Boyer & Arik Cannon by submission when Hallowicked made Arik Cannon submit to the CHIKARA Special.

As the match started, a depression in the ring canvass became noticeable. As the match progressed, the depression got larger, but all 6-men acted like real pros in dealing with the situation. Jigsaw dropped Boyer on his FACE (HARDER!) in a disgusting sort-of-Burning-Hammer. The last 5-7 minutes get an A-Triple-Plus.

We get an impromtu imtermission as the ring is being fixed. According to reports (with a better angle) from our new friend Whittle on chikarafans.com, there was a big split in a piece of wood. Several students and one campeonato de parejas had the problem fixed in just a few minutes.

10. Young Lions Cup Final: Chuck Taylor def. Ricochet by pinfall with the Omega Driver to win the Young Lions Cup, becoming the seventh man to hold the trophy.

Chuck made another kid cry. If that doesn't make him your hero, chances are I don't care for you as a person.

My review might suck, but I give the show two-thumbs up and a DEFINITE DVD purchase - REQUIREMENT.

Nothing to say.

CHIKARA Young Lions Cup 5 - Night 2 - Results
Ryan Township Fire Hall - Barnesville, PA - June 23rd 2007

And we are live at The Thunderdome. Crowd is about 60-70 and relatively dead all night, but for a completely sober gentleman in a Chase Utley t-shirt. It's a good 25 degrees warmer (read: stuffy) in the Thunderdome than outside.

1. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Billy Roc (IPW) def. "Omega" Aaron Draven (IWA-EC) by pinfall with the standing Shiranui/Asai DDT to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi Final Match.

Eh, not much to report here. The match was... eh. Both guys are short, how about that?


2. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Shayne Hawke (IWS) vs. Tim Donst (CHIKARA) by pinfall with the Tomahawk (flatliner) to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi Final Match.

Luckily this match was a relative squash. I'm sorry, but to say Tim Donst is sloppy is an understatement. He needs a lot of work. Shane Hawke is just a few more matches worth of exposure away from being gold. I dig Shane Hawke.

3. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Rhett Titus (ROH) def. Soldier Ant (CHIKARA) by pinfall to advance to the 6-Way Semi Final Elimination Match when he put his feet on the ropes for leverage.

Rhett Titus. I don't like the gimmick. I don't like the ring attire. But the match was pretty ok. Again, not much to say about the match, but it wasn't a clunker.

4. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Darin Corbin (F1rst Wrestling) def. Super Xtremo (BSE) by pinfall to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final Match when he countered a splash into an Ace Crusher.

Corbin has a new LED belt, and NSX has swank new orange-and-black tights, featuring the old Minnesota North Stars logo. I'd totally buy a NSX shirt with this logo. This was the CHIKARA debut of Super Xtremo, and I'll be interested to see him again. A good, fast paced match that saw its fair share of action. The finish saw Xtremo looking for a top rope splash or a flying cross-body, only to have Corbin catch him directly into an Ace Crusher. Three stars.

5. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Ultra Dragon (RLL) def. Ryan Cruz (F1rst Wrestling) by pinfall to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi Final Match with a move similar to a reverse Yoshi Tonic.

Ultra Dragon is billed as weighing 134 pounds or something. I'd be surprised if he actually weighed more than 90. He walks and moves around like... I don't know, a dog? Maybe a lizard? Maybe its his interpretation of how a dragon would walk. It's weird. The other wrestlers (and Bryce) sold him as being too weird to even want to be near. Again, solid match. "Reverse Yoshi Tonic" is the best description I can give to his finisher. I'm sure George will come back with "DUH, DAVE THAT WAS THE SUPER TIGER EXTRA CAPACOLLA 1996 DRAGON FLIP."

6. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Ricochet (CHIKARA) vs. Chrisjen Hayme (FTW) by pinfall to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi Final Match when he used a top rope moonsault followed by a standing shooting star press.

At one point, Hayme reversed a tilt-a-whirl into a piledriver. Ricochet then reversed an Air Raid Crash into his backslide (sort-of crucifix) driver. Hayme had a better night than the previous evening. Ok, I'll give the guy another shot in my mind.

Intermission time.

7. Mitch Ryder def. Cabana Man Dan by pinfall with a piledriver.

Very similar to Night One's CMD match, except substituting Mitch Ryder in the role of Chuck Taylor. CMD is still very... odd looking.

8. Chuck Taylor def. Arik Cannon by pinfall when he reversed a would-be top rope Northern Lights Suplex into a sort-of pull-down piledriver.

I thought this match was amazing from both the wrestling standpoint, as well as from the fact that it was side-splittingly hilarious. CHUCK TAYLOR MADE A CHILD CRY. Chuck Taylor yelled in the face of a little kid, causing the kid to burst into tears. Later in the match, Arik Cannon got Chuck to the outside and called one of the kids up to chop Chuck Taylor, which the kid did. Cannon then wanted the kid to follow him back into the ring for more Chucky beatings, but one of the ring attendants didn't notice Cannon was letting the kid do this, so he grabbed the kid and started to usher him away. Suffice it to say, even though they got things squared away, that kid ended up crying too! There was even one point in the match were Arik Cannon had to stop to regain his composure from laughing. At one point Chuck did a running senton over the top rope from the outside to the inside.

9. Los Ice Creams (El Hijo del Ice Cream & Ice Cream, Jr.) & Amigo Suzuki def. Team F.I.S.T. (Gran Akuma & Icarus) & Max Boyer by pinfall when both Ice Creams pinned Icarus following a backslide.

Again, a strong showing on the Non-Tourney matches. Definitely a step-up from the non-tourney matches of Night One.

10. Young Lions Cup Semi Final, 6-Way Elimination Match: Ricochet (CHIKARA) def. Billy Roc (IPW), Shayne Hawke (IWS), Ultra Dragon (RLL), Darin Corbin (F1rst Wrestling) and Rhett Titus (ROH) to advance to the YLC V Finals.

A great moment during this main had Darren Corbin and Shane Hawke realize they look alike, and their similar looks ended up confusing Bryce to the point of having a nervous breakdown.

a) Ultra Dragon was eliminated by Ricochet.

b) Darin Corbin was eliminated by Rhett Titus following a running powerslam.

c) Rhett Titus was eliminated by Ricochet following a rana-pin combo.

At this point Shane Hawke trys to get Billy Roc out of his "Well Mannered" spirits, to double-team Riccochet using various nefarious efforts. When Billy Roc refuses, Hawke begins to antagonize Roc - to the point of Roc snapping, and leading to a "violent" showdown between the two. Roc had been relatively non-existant prior to this point in the match.

d) Shayne Hawke was eliminated by Billy Roc following the standing Shiranui/Asai DDT.

This left it down to Riccochet vs Roc for the finish - both men shake hands.

e) Billy Roc was eliminated by Ricochet following a reverse rana into a springboard tornado DDT into a standing Shooting Star Press pinfall combo.

Post-match, Chuck Taylor confronts Riccochet, says some not nice things, and predicts he will kill Riccochet in the finals, as he has killed him before. I think it is definitely the best possible match combo for the finals, so I am looking forward to it.

CHIKARA Young Lions Cup V - Night 1 - Results
The Legendary Riverside Beneficial Association Hall
Reading, PA - June 22nd 2007 - 7:30PM belltime

And we are live at the Reading Superdome. The night opens with the announcement and entrance of the YLC Night 1 participants to receive their participation medals, and for the group photo. It is here where we learn of the winning entry of the CAW Contest.



Yep, you guessed it - Moscow the Communist Bovine.

1. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Lince Dorado (CHIKARA) def. El Hijo del Ice Cream (LAW) by submission with the CHIKARA Special to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final.

The CHIKARA Special first introduced itself to us when Mike Quackenbush developed a new maneuver to defeat Chris Hero at Anniversario? - a move Hero would not know how to counter. In the post-match interview at Anniversario?, Quackenbush announced to the world his intentions on teaching every CHIKARA student the CHIKARA Special. Lince Dorado apparantly listens to his teachers, as he uses the CHIKARA Special to defeat El Hijo del Ice Cream. A good, relatively rapid-paced match to open the show. I think Lince's problem sometimes is being a little too over-aggressive, which causes him to miss a spot from time-to-time. That said, no surprise here as Lince gets the submission win.

2. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Moscow the Communist Bovine (CHIKARA) def. Hydra (CHIKARA) by pinfall with a side Russian leg sweep to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final. The fans mooed for Moscow.

Largely a comedy match. Moscow had some difficulties keeping his head on. The cow jokes kept on coming. First off, the crowd "Mooooos" at Moscow (as opposed to booing). Then, the match opens with Hydra trying to shoulder block Moscow to the ground - cow-tipping. Patrick comes up with one of the lines of the night when he claims Moscow is "milking the gimmick for all its worth." During the match, Hydra left the ring while Moscow was tied up (cow tied?) in the ropes on the far side of the ring. Hydra walked over to the commentary table where UMB and Bryce were doing commentary. UMB claimed that Hydra was preparing to do a Van Terminator from the commentary area. But in reality, he was getting a deadly weapon - A PLASTIC FORK. Moscow the Communist Bovine gets the win with a SIDE RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP GET IT?

3. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Player Uno (IWS) def. Niles Young (CZW) by pinfall with a rollup to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final.

Speaking of milking a gimmick for all its worth, Niles Young threatened to headbutt any fan who got on his nerves. There was a stipulation to this match - if Niles Young won, we were planning on rioting. Luckily it did not come to that. Player Uno is definitely growing on me.

4. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Chuck Taylor (CHIKARA) def. Cabana Man Dan (IWA-DS) by pinfall with a piledriver to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final.

I believe my sentiments of this match was "insanely fun." Chuck Taylor is possibly the greatest thing on the indy circuit right now. He spent the match playing to the commentators, and just being Chuck Taylor. Cabana Man Dan is, for lack of futher description, is a weird looking dude who wrestles in his bare feet, but uses his flip flops as international object. Now imagine Chuck Taylor being blasted with flip-flop-chops - chops that sound like gun shots - and Taylor screaming like a girl. AMAZING.

5. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Ice Cream, Jr. (LAW) def. Hex Gage (OSW) by pinfall with the Jack & Jill Hammer after falling to the wrath of the sprinkles to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final Match.

Despite my like of Ice Cream, Jr., and despite Hex Gage's entry to the ring wearing a PSU hat, this match was pretty much underwhelming. Gage over-rotated on a senton, and John and I thought he blew out a knee or hammy doing so. Other than that... eh.

6. Young Lions Cup, Opening Round Match: Amigo Suzuki (UDG/Toryumon) def. Rex Sterling (NWA) by pinfall with a Tiger Suplex to advance to the 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final Match.

This was a very methodical, very good technical match, with Amigo working the knee of Sterling a lot. I had forgotten how awesome Amigo's falling headbutts were. Nice match, if you enjoy the methodical style.

7. Rhett Titus def. Worker Ant by pinfall with an Oklahoma roll.

Rhett Titus is almost not very family friendly. Our friend Wiggly comes up with the most original line ever in referring to Rhett Titus' gear as a "bathing suit." I wonder how he comes up with such original lines?

8. Billy Roc def. Chrisjen Hayme by pinfall with the standing Shiranui/Asai DDT.

Chrisjen Hayme comes to the ring as the Full Throttle Wrestling champion. When asked who he is, Hayme informs the crowd that we will all know who he is by the time the match is over. Then he proceeded to lose.


9. Mitch Ryder def. Shane Storm by pinfall with a piledriver.

Storm was bleeding from the nose for the majority of the match - not sure how it happened.

10. Young Lions Cup, 6-Way Elimination Semi-Final Match: Chuck Taylor (CHIKARA) def. Lince Dorado (CHIKARA), Moscow the Communist Bovine (CHIKARA), Player Uno (IWS), Ice Cream, Jr. (LAW) and Amigo Suzuki (UDG/Toryumon) to advance to the final on night 3.

The match was announced as being scheduled for 5 falls. Chuck Taylor used Amigo Suzuki's blanket/coat to "matador" Moscow into goring Player Uno and Ice Cream, Jr.

a) Moscow the Communist Bovine was eliminated first. All 5 other participants got the pinfall.

b) Player Uno was eliminated second by Amigo Suzuki following a beautiful Tiger Suplex.

c) Amigo Suzuki was then immediatly thereafter eliminated by Lince Dorado following a Yoshi Tonic/sunset flip combo. I think that's what it was - I had a very bad angle to it though.

d) Ice Cream, Jr. was then disqualified when Chuck Taylor convinced Bryce Remsburg that he had been the recipient of an Ice Cream, Jr. low-blow.

e) Lince Dorado was eliminated last when Chuck Taylor rolled through on a sunset flip.

It was a good match, and a good result.

The Fuckchicken Review:
Shimmer, Women Athletes: Volume 1

Well, after talking about it for literally over six months, I finally got around to throwing Shimmer up to number one on the Neftlix queue and checking it out. This won’t be too detailed a review; I’ll just give a cursory look at the production, wrestlers, and general match quality.

The menu music is SO much better than the awful rave music that, at least up until the end of 2004, ROH was using for their DVD’s. Has sort of an action movie/secret agent vibe.

They open things up by inviting all the women to the ring while playing some slightly cheesier music that’s at least effective in disguising the lack of crowd presence. Allison Danger cuts a promo thanking the crowd that sounds like she’s about to challenge them to a match. Not the greatest start.

The announcers are Dave Prazak and Allison Danger, who sounds as enthusiastic and articulate as ever.

Shantelle Taylor vs. Tiana Ringer

There’s no copyrighted entrance music on the disc, as this was a national release, so we get even more generic stuff from one of those CD’s I had to use in Video Making. Crowd’s in the 50-75 area.

Taylor wears pink tights with a weird doggie on the right butt cheek, while Ringer wears purple. Taylor is clearly the superior of the two, with decent strikes and some solid if basic aerial offense. Ringer, meanwhile, works over the back in respectable fashion, not doing too much out of the ordinary other than putting on a camel clutch and telling the ref to “ask her ‘til she says yes!” Ringer’s a little too tentative to make things click, with some lousy strikes and a few instances where she’s out of position. Taylor finishes with a missile dropkick.

Rating: **

Team Blondage (Krissy Vaine and Amber O’Neal) vs. Nikki Roxx and Cindy Rogers

Too many people wearing pink here: Rogers is the only one going without, as her tights are merely light red. Blondage look and wrestle like WWE Divas (Vaine actually moved on to developmental since this taping), and/or girls who would be just attractive enough to waitress at The End Zone instead of stripping. They cut a semi-horrible heel promo and then stall a lot before turning Roxx into the face-in-peril for a seeming eternity. Roxx takes things well enough, but no one in this match has the seasoning to go as long as they do.

Rogers gets the hot tag, but falls prey to the pinfall when a member of Team Blondage holds the ropes.

Rating: *

Ariel vs. Rain

You may recognize Rain from her few appearances in Chikara. She, along with Lacey, is a member of the awesomely-named Minnesota Home Wrecking Crew. Ariel was actually in ROH way back in 2002, managing the Christopher Street Connection some time after Allison Danger moved on to the Prophecy. Danger annoys me yet again on commentary by talking about how Ariel has an aerial style and uses a finisher called the “Dariel”. Too much rhyming.

Following the pattern of the first two matches, the heel controls the bulk of the match with less than stellar offense. Ariel has better strikes and better selling, but I guess she couldn’t wrestle herself. She takes the win with the Dariel, which is just a Diamond Cutter with a stupid name.

Rating: *3/4

Lexie Fyfe vs. Christie Ricci

These two are by far the biggest competitors so far, so I’m expecting a power battle. Fyfe is built a bit like J-Rocc, which is not exactly a compliment. They exchange holds for a few minutes, looking a bit more polished than anyone else so far. Prazak informs me that Fyfe has the most experience of anyone on the Shimmer roster, which comes through pretty well in her control segment.

Ricci fights back with a superplex and some more of the tentative offense I’ve already come to expect, but Fyfe picks up the win with the Attitude Adjuster (TKO). Fyfe looked good, Ricci not so much. I wanted a power battle.

Rating: **

Cheerleader Melissa vs. MsChif

Melissa neither acts nor dresses like a cheerleader, but has a pretty good look nonetheless. MsChif, who hails from “The Inferno”, looks like she drew her wardrobe from the Hot Topic catalog. They start things off by screaming at each other a lot, then exchange some really cool submissions based around MsChif’s scary flexibility. At one point, Melissa puts her in an inverted Texas Cloverleaf and bends her until her foot hits her in the back of her own head. She then forces her to kick herself in the back of the head repeatedly. That was Jack Evans-level bendy.

The fans get into this one, albeit mainly to tell Melissa to “Kill the Witch!” Melissa works over the back with some submissions, then takes her outside to bend her around the rail and ring post. I guess Melissa is the heel? They cut to the fans watching things, and boy are they creepy. MsChif comes back with a quebrada and double stomp onto the bottom turnbuckle, but a rana attempt is countered to a sitout powerbomb. MsChif counters a Kudo Driver attempt to the Desecrator (arm-trap DDT) for what is apparently an upset win. I’d definitely want to see more of these two.

Rating: **3/4

Allison Danger vs. Beth Phoenix

Oh boy. Phoenix brings more ridiculous pink and a bowtie to boot. Somehow the female Chippendale’s dancer look doesn’t work for me. It does, however, apparently work for WWE, who signed Phoenix. I think she was on Raw for a short time, but don’t quote me on it. You all know Allison Danger, who’s been around ROH since its inception in 2002. She was also the target of one of my all time favorite taunts when a fan asked her, “Allison Danger, what makes you so dangerous?” Good stuff.

They run comedy stuff for the first five minutes, with Phoenix falling for the old criss-cross trick along with some other stand-bys. Phoenix takes over with cheap tactics, though she adds a few original twists. At one point, chocking Danger with her knee, she interrupts referee Bryce Remsberg’s count by kissing him. Team Blondage need to watch this match and see how it’s done. In the end, Danger counters a Death Valley Driver attempt and scores a rollup for the three. This fell apart just a bit at the end.

Rating: **1/2

Mercedes Martinez vs. Sara del Ray

Del Ray trained under Bryan Danielson and shares his oft-bemused expression in the ring. Thankfully she’s not wearing the leopard-print/tassel skirt I hate so much. Martinez I’ve never seen before but is supposed to be a more polished competitor than most females on the scene. I know she earned some respect in CZW, of all places, before debuting in this promotion.

They start with some solid matwork before exchanging hard chops and headbutts. Del Ray fights for a powerbomb for awhile, but Martinez counters to a Death Valley Driver over the knee and a brainbuster for two. A few Yakuza Kicks allow del Ray to finally hit the powerbomb, but it only gets two. They spend the next few minutes exchanging suplexes and pinning combos, but neither can get the pin. Danger pisses me off yet again by talking about 2Pac and Biggie as Martinez locks in a Dragon Clutch. They each utilize their own variations of the Butterfly Lock, but Martinez hits the Fisherman Buster. Unfortunately for her, the twenty-minute time limit expires at the count of two. Very good match.

Rating: ***1/4

Lacey vs. Daizee Haze

Haze is just way too small. Lacey screams at ringside fans in her annoying voice. Haze starts with some arm work, leading Lacey to scream some more, stall, and spit water on a fan who probably had it coming. Lacey gains control with a drop toehold into the turnbuckle, working over the back with only minor interruption for the next ten minutes or so.

Haze tries to fight back, but runs right into a kick to the face. Lacey follows up with a Russian legsweep into the turnbuckle and keeps on the back with well-executed offense. A really nice finishing sequence sees Haze kick out of a swinging neckbreaker off the tope turnbuckle and a TKO neckbreaker, hit the Heart Punch, and put Lacey away with the Mind Trip (snapmare driver) for the main event win. This dragged a bit at the beginning but was pretty great by the end.

Rating: ***1/2

Bonus Match: Lacey vs. Sara del Ray

This was from Ring of Honor’s Vendetta pre-show. Some dude cracks me up by saying “oh boy, I can have some fun with this” as if he’s ready to masturbate at that very moment. Lacey hits a lung blower early on to take control, but Del Ray comes back with a trifecta of Yakuza kicks. Lacy reverses another kick to a swinging neckbreaker, however, and polishes Sara off with an inverted DDT rolled into a regular DDT. After the match, Sara forces some jeering nerd to show her respect and shake her hand, which was actually pretty cool.

Rating: **1/4

Overall: This was a pleasant surprise (aside from Danger’s nauseating commentary). Things didn’t always click, but they really seemed to know who they were and where they were going. Top to bottom, this may have actually been better than Ring of Honor’s first show. I’ll definitely pick up Volume 2 at some point in the near future and see if they can capitalize on the promise shown in this first release.

24/7 took it off before I could finish. But I wrote too much anyway, so it evens out.

The Fuck Chicken 24/7 Rant for WWE Vengeance 2003

-It's the first Smackdown-only PPV. That practice died about as fast as we all expected it to, I'd say.

-July 27, 2003, live from Denver. Hosted by ColenTazz.

-WWE US Championship Tournament Final: Eddie Guerrero (228 lbs., El Paso, TX) vs. Chris Benoit (229 lbs., Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.) This is evil heel Eddie, not evil face Eddie, and he hides in the ropes (in an evil fashion) to start. Cole drops a bit of US Title (broken) history as Benoit shoulderblocks Eddie, and Eddie bails. Gorgeous chain wrestling until Eddie gets a shoulderblock of his own. Benoit wins a test of strength, but Eddie slides out of it and gets a top wristlock. Eddie with chops, then off the ropes for a rana leading into a pinfall reversal sequence so quick they change positions mid-count a few times. Benoit bails, as this match escalates from awesome to near perfect. If these two had had a world title feud, it would've been the 21st century Flair-Steamboat. Eddie works the head on the ground for a while - he should probably start going to the leg, but ah well - and Benoit keeps finding ways to his feet, but Eddie keeps putting him back down. Back up, Eddie goes for a tombstone, but Benoit flips it over and hits a shoulderbreaker, then immediately grabs that arm for the Crossface. Eddie fights it until he can grab the ropes, then bails, only to immediately eat suicida. Back in, Benoit with a few scoop slams and a half-nelson on the weakened shoulder. Guerrero rolls right out of a rollup, and gets chopped to the floor for displaying his agility. Eddie ducks a charge, however, and sets Benoit up on the turnbuckle for a super rana. That gets two, and I think that's the first pinfall attempt of the match. Back suplex gets two - Eddie's figuring out that he has to bust out power moves and pin Benoit before Benoit can weaken the shoulder enough for the Crossface. Stomps and an armbar to buy time. Chop battle follows, and Benoit gets the better of it until Eddie switches to the more effective eye poke. Irish whip is reversed, however, and Eddie eats a back bodydrop. Eddie worms out of the German, so Benoit clubs him and sets him up top for a back suplex. Benoit keeps one-upping Eddie - first Eddie works the head, so Benoit works the arm until Eddie gets frustrated and tries power stuff, but then Benoit brings out bigger power stuff. Cole wonders whether Benoit or Guerrero will join the list of US champions, despite the fact that they're both already on it. Benoit gets two Germans, but Eddie reverses it for one of his own, but Benoit reverses THAT into the Crossface. Eddie's about to tap, but he gets a foot on the rope. Benoit is pissed, and a backbreaker gets two. Eddie fights bacck, though, and gets two of the three amigos, then goes to the top rope for the third. Eddie climbs, but Benoit rolls out of the way of the Frog Splash. Back up, MURDER DEATH KILL powerbomb gets two, then puts the Crossface on again. Eddie's going to have to figure something out soon. And, sure enough, Benoit protests after the ref breaks the Crossface at the ropes, allowing Eddie to spear Benoit into the ref bump. Eddie hits Benoit with the belt and follows with the Frog Splash, but it only gets two. Eddie gets the belt again, and just for kicks, smacks the referee with it, then lays it on Benoit's chest and plays dead. Eddie's devious plan is foiled when he can't wake the ref up again. Benoit rises and puts the Crossface on, with Eddie's face right in the US title, and Eddie's tappin', but ain't no ref to hear it. Benoit tries to wake the ref, and Eddie goes for another beltshot, but Benoit hears him coming and snakes around for a German. The ref slowly wakes up and tries to remove the belt, but Eddie pulls him in the way of Benoit's headbutt, and he's out again. Overbooked madness continues with Benoit's good buddy Rhyno running in to turn heel on Benoit with the GOREGOREGORE, and Eddie's all "Well, okay then!" Eddie back up for a second Frog Splash, and that's good enough for three and the belt. (Eddie Guerrero d. Chris Benoit (NEW CHAMP), Frog Splash -> Pin, 22:13.) It's a shame that it had to end with the Rhyno thing, as it was close to a classic before that. Still, fantastic throughout, and worth the price of admission on its own.

-Backstage, Vince and Stephanie blah blah blah blah blah snore.

-Indecent Proposal Match: Billy Gunn (265 lbs., Austin, TX) (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. Jamie Noble (200 lbs., Hanover, WV.) If Jamie wins, Torrie sleeps with him. Why does that stip never show up in Mexico? Think of the Hair vs. Virginity matches! Anyway. Noble has kindly brought a briefcase full of essential oils and sex toys, which Gunn swiftly kicks into Noble's face. Gunn with a tilt-a-whirl slam and a flapjack, as the announcers reflect on the absence of Nidia. It's the first time anyone's ever noticed the absence of Nidia, let alone reflected on it. Billy misses a charge and rolls out, setting up for a Noble plancha. Gunn catches it weird and throws his knee out, and Noble begins working it over as Nidia approaches. Gunn tries to get back up, but Noble kicks the leg out. He works his way up and hits the One and Only, but is slow to get up. Gunn with right hands and a hip toss into a neckbreaker, but can't get three. Gunn tries to go up, but Jamie takes the knee out, and gets a huge Super DDT. Jamie covers, but Nidia puts Billy's leg on the rope. He bitches her out a bit, but Torrie comes over and they both slap him around for a while. Gunn rolls him in, but Noble dropkicks the knee. Torrie grabs a leg and Gunn tries to capitalize, but Noble reverses it into a rollup for three. (Jamie Noble d. Billy Gunn, rollup -> Pin, 5:00.) Torrie: "Oh shit." Noble: "WOOOOOOO!" Perfectly acceptable match.

-Backstage, Funaki Smackdown Number One Announcer is with the APA. They're hosting the APA Invitational brawl, including (among others) the Brooklyn Brawler, who took them both out with a chair to get their attention. The APA extends an invitation to Funaki, as the Easter Bunny hops by for no readily apparent reason.

-APA Invitational Brawl: Doug Basham vs. Danny Basham vs. Orlando Jordan vs. Johnny Nitro vs. Spanky vs. Matt Cappotelli vs. The Brooklyn Bralwer vs. Funaki vs. Chris Kanyon vs. Nunzio vs. Johnny Stamboli vs. Chuck Palumbo vs. Los Conquistador 1 vs. Los Conquistador 2 vs. The Easter Bunny vs. Matt Hardy vs. Shannon Moore vs. Brother Love vs. Doink the Clown vs. Sean O'Haire vs. Farooq vs. Bradshaw. There's a big cheesy salloon set by the entryway, where all the competitors are calmly hanging out and drinking Miller Lite. Spanky's dancing on the bar, which is the best thing I've seen in a while. Doink's presence is pretty exciting, especially since he's not being played by the Brawler. Last man drinking/standing wins, or something. Sean O'Haire should be pretty at home here. Brother Love is going to lead a benediction, something about turning beer into blood. The bell eventually rings, and Spanky keeps dancing until the Bashams chuck him through a table. Doink laughs, but gets beaten with a bat by the Brawler. Brother Love takes out the Conquistadors with a stool. Sean O'Haire is calmly drinking in the background. The referee keeps serving more beer. O'Haire eventually throws Doink and the Brawler through the barroom window as Bradshaw slugs various people down. O'Haire has two pool cues, which he uses on the APA. He hits a crescent kick on Nunzio, then tumbles backward over the bar, getting in the way of a Shannon Moore dive from the entryway. Brother Love throws Moore into a mirror, breaks a vase over O'Haire's head, and ducks under Nunzio as the Bashams throw him into the liquor cabinet. Bradshaw sets up the Bunny on the bar and chucks him through a window, before the Brawler takes him out with a bar tray. Matt puts down his beer, climbs on the bar, gets another beer, and hits a two-beer V1 legdrop on the Bashams, but it doesn't break their table, so he hits a splash to break it. Funaki's been sitting on a barstool the whole time, and toasts Bradshaw before passing out. Brother Love tries to sneak up on Bradshaw, but he turns around and takes him out with a beer can. Farooq doesn't have a beer, and everyone else is out, so Bradshaw is declared the winner. (Bradshaw wins Invitational, 4:33) Silly and dumb and fun. Cartoonish enough to be worthwhile.

-Backstage, Jamie Noble is getting all hot and bothered with a copy of Torrie's Playboy. Nidia will get over it, he hypothesizes.

-WWE Tag Team Champioonship: Rey Mysterio (San Diego, CA, 175 lbs.,) and Billy Kidman (Allentown, PA, 215 lbs.) vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team (Haas and Benjamin) (combined 418 lbs.) It's like WCW vs. OVW! Think of the dream matches! Cole drops a Filthy Animals reference, surprisingly. Benjamin and Mysterio do an amateur sequence, and Rey makes the ropes. Rey tries an armscissors but Shelton avoids it, so gets a headscissors instead. Kidman is in, and dropkicks Shelton in the face before getting a headscissors of his own. Haas in, charges but gets hit with a forearm. This only enrages Haas, and he beats Kidman down on the ropes. They're doing very nice stuff, but it feels a little light after Eddie vs. Benoit. Perhaps that shouldn't have opened. Rey back in, a legscissors is reversed into an inverted powerbomb. Haas with a...slam thing? Haas is busting out some weird stuff, and I like it. Shelton in, and he tosses Rey about fifteen feet in the air, for two. Shelton to the headlock. Rey fights out and gets a big rana, then rolls through to his feet for a dropkick. Two tags, and Kidman is a house of relative heat. Dropkicks for all, back bodydrop for Haas, then a BK Bomb. WGTT go for their leapfrog rope move thing, but Rey trips Haas and Kidman sets up the 619, but Haas pulls Rey out. Rey with a springboard seated senton to Haas on the outside, Kidman dumps Shelton and hits the ultra rare SPRINGBOARD SSP TO THE OUTSIDE on both of them, which gets a Holy Shit chant. I thought he was more or less done trying it at this point, too...in fact, I saw him at a house show about a year prior to this and he finished with a freakin' Superfly Splash. Anyway. Slow recovery all over, it eventually gets back to Benjamin and Kidman. Shelton slams Kidman on Haas's knee for two. Shelton with some complex submission stuff to the back, but Kidman won't quit. Haas back in with more back work. Kidman tags, but the ref wasn't looking. WGTT with a double suplex for two. Shelton Benjamin CAN POWERBOMB KIDMAN! He's the only one! And Billy is in trouble. But Benjamin foolishly goes for another one, and this time YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN. Rey in with a springboard somersault dropkick and an enzuiguri. Rey with a bounce-back sunset flip for two, then a big DDT. Haas back in with a scoop slam, but Kidman takes him out, allowing Rey to set up the 619. West Coast Pop connects, but Shelton breaks up the pin. Shelton and Kidman go to the outside. Rey reverses a slam and gets a chinbreaker, and now everybody's in. Kidman sets Haas on the top rope and tosses the charging Kidman to his shoulders for a super rana, but it ONLY GETS TWO. Crowd chants bullshit. Shelton hits the dragon whip on Kidman, but Rey is still fighting. Rey leaps to Haas's shoulders for a rana, but gets trapped up there, and Shelton comes out of nowhere with a Doomsday Device. That gets three, and the crowd is PISSED. (World's Greatest Tag Team d. Mysterio and Kidman, Doomsday Device -> Pin, 14:53.) The announcers point out that Shelton may not have been legal. Very good, took a while to get going, but really hot finish. Kidman was about done, but he busted out the good stuff here. And why the hell aren't WGTT this good anymore?

-No Count-Out Catfight: Stephanie McMahon (Greenwich, CT, 135 lbs.) vs. Sable (Jacksonville, FL.) Move count! Brawling outside to start, not much of note as they rush into the crowd. Stephanie with a clothesline on the outside. Sable with a dropkick as Stephanie enters, that gets one. Sable with kicks in the corner, pulls her up for a body drop. Sable with a back kick and a...lap dance. Stephanie rolls her up for two. Kicking, slapping, hair pulling, boredom. Sable charges and gets hit with a back elbow, before Stephanie hits a spear. Hair pulling body drop gets two. Damn this blows. To the outside, Stephanie gets a chair, but referee blocks it, lest anyone be amused. Back in, Stephanie catches a leg and hits the big slap, but doesn't cover. Stephanie hits a necksnapper, easily the most advanced thing that's happened here. Stephanie rips Sable's top, and things somehow get even more dull as Sable tries to cover herself for about a minute. The referee offers Sable his shirt, at which point freakin' Albert charges in and takes out Stephanie. Yeah, that's what this match needed. ALBERT. Sable covers for three. (Sable d. Stephanie, Albert body charge -> pin, 6:25.) I'm going to call it two moves for Steph (necksnapper, spear (half credit), body drop (half credit)) to one for Sable (dropkick (half credit), body drop (half credit.)) Needless to say, that blew ferrets.

-John Cena (West Newbury, MA, 248 lbs.,) vs. The Undertaker (Houston, TX, 305 lbs.) This is hip-hop heel Cena and elder zombie statesman Undertaker. Cena cuts a fairly awesome rapping promo in a graveyard, amidst a burning pentagram, culminating with him pissing on a headstone. I'm totally backing Cena here, mainly because Shannon's too far away to kick me. Cena with a slap to the face and body blows, but Taker throws him into the corner. He blocks punches, but Taker gets a kidney punch and throws him to the outside. Taker gets the best of the brawling, obviously, but Cena grabs a water bottle and sprays it in Taker's face, for the dual blindness/insult spot. Taker recovers and whips Cena into the barricade, then carries him into the post. Headbutt sets up the apron legdrop. Taker threatens to show Cena "what bad is". He could've just given him a tape of his recent matches. RIMSHOT! Back in the ring, Taker with a keylock. Brief brawling inside, and then to the outside yet again. Nothing happens, and back in again for the old school ropewalk and a chokeslam. Taker gets two, but pulls him up before the three. Taker signals for the Last Ride, but Cena springs out of it and gets a quick DDT. Cena crawls to the corner and pulls off a turnbuckle pad, then back over with stomps and choking. Taker back in control with forearms and a corner charge, but Cena ducks the second one, sending Taker into the exposed steel. Cena shoulder tackle sends Taker to the outside. He tries to crawl back in, but gets hit with a knee. Cena keeps working the knee, and Taker is coughing up blood. Taker gets a clothesline for two, but doesn't look too well. Taker gets a dragon sleeper, but Cena is at the ropes. Cena gets a spinebuster for two. Taker wins a fistfight, and gets a lariat for two. Taker goes for the tombstone, but Cena reverses; Cena goes for the FU, but Taker reverses and hits a big boot and legdrop. Taker goes back to the choke, but Cena finds a chain and uses it on the ribs. Cena gets the F-U, but it's only good for two. Cena climbs for turnbuckle punches like a moron, and eats a Last Ride to the surprise of roughly no one. That does it. (Undertaker d. John Cena, Last Ride -> Pin, 16:01.) Okay brawl, nothing great. Wrong result, definitely.

-Then, they change the 24/7 programming two days before I thought they would, and I don't see the last two matches. If you were curious, Vince McMahon defeated Zach Gowen in about 14 minutes in a supposedly crappy match, and Kurt Angle won a three-way and the WWE Title over Brock Lesnar (Champ) and The Big Show in 17 and a half, which was supposed to be pretty good. Ah well!

-Hard to judge the whole show, but Eddie-Benoit was damn good, the tag match was quite enjoyable as well, and the hardcore match and Gunn vs. Noble were fine. Worth watching.

The Fuckchicken Review: WCW Uncensored 1999

I got a VHS copy of this event from my cousin, who in turn picked it up at a bookstore that was getting rid of stock. As in, they told him to just take it. For free. That is what WCW PPV’s are worth these days. Zero dollars.

Thankfully, the VHS came with a bunch of cards from the WCW trading card game. I guess the bookstore wanted to make sure the customer got the most for their (absence of) money. But when one considers the fact that three of the cards have the same wincing picture of Brian Knobs on them, the real truth comes to light. As we all know, there’s a hidden opportunity cost to everything: nothing’s for free. In this case, the customer “pays” for a nominally free wrestling tape by removing the scourge known as “The Visage of Knobs” from the premises. Don’t worry, I’m done. Sorry.

By March of 1999, WCW was in the full throes of suckitude. Whether you point to Starrcade 1997, the Fingerpoke of Doom, the Emergence of Ralphus, or any other factor as the beginning of the end, suffice to say that no one was expecting much of WCW at this point. At the time, this was actually kind of a draw for casual fans like me: expectations were so low that any good match or segment seemed like a gift from above. So what if just about everything sucked? That one Super Calo match could totally bring things out of the toilet. Of course, an epic Glacier segment would set the swirl going anew, but you had to take the bad with the good.

And this, of course, would be Uncensored, a night of zany stipulations in a company that hadn’t yet succumbed to the whorish wiles of Vince Russo. Sure, most of the matches would suck. But on this night, instead of watching, say Jerry Flynn vs. Ernest “The Cat” Miller, you got to see Jerry Flynn vs. Ernest “The Cat” Miller AND Sonny Onoo in a SUPER ZANY Handicap Match! This was as successful as one would imagine.

Cruiserweight Title: Billy Kidman (ch) vs. Mikey Whipwreck

The ECW talent raid had reached absurd proportions at this point, with Whipwreck debuting on PPV in a title match without any fanfare or prior warning. While he still looks like a grubby kid fresh out of his parents’ basement, he at least brings some solid wrestling ability to the table on this one. Kidman does the same, resulting in a surprisingly competent if overly drawn out contest. I guess this was a sort of tryout (on PPV?), as they bust out pretty much every spot in both of their arsenals over the course of around fifteen minutes. Kidman eventually takes it with the shooting star press.

Rating: **3/4

Harlem Street Fight: Vincent vs. Stevie Ray

I don’t think either of these guys was even from New York, so the stip stinks of casual racism. Of course, the secondary stip here is that the winner becomes the leader of NWO Black and White (which at this point included these two, Scott Norton, and maybe Brian Adams or Buff Bagwell), which just plain stinks. Vincent is really not afraid to send the suck into the stratosphere, with weak brawling and literally nothing else. Message to Vincent: Tommy Hilfiger jeans are not threatening. Stevie Ray hits the sole decent spot of the match, a good hard boot to the face, and gets the win a bit later with a “flapjack” (blackjack) shot.

Rating: ½*

David vs. Goliath: Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Kevin Nash

Man I really forgot how much the unmasked Rey Mysterio looks like a little girl and/or a deer caught in the headlights. Such long eyelashes! Nash sells for a couple aerial moves –even moving into position to oversell a springboard legdrop—before taking over. I’m all for Mysterio, and I’m all for pushing the smaller guys, but there’s really no way Mysterio could or should get any sustained offense in this one. Nash actually hits some great-looking moves (mostly thanks to Mysterio’s sell-job), including a Snake Eyes that involved about a five foot drop, before busting out the Jackknife for three.

Okay, so what’s with the Jackknife Powerbomb? There about a million powerbomb variations, most of them legitimately different from the other. You’ve got the basic powerbomb, the stall, the Scott Norton variation in which he powers the opponent down, the Benoit whiplash (AKA murder death kill), the Kobashi powerbomb into bridge, folding powerbomb, repeated powerbomb, Last Ride, Tiger Driver, running powerbomb, sit-out powerbomb, Lygerbomb, etc. on and on into the infinity of every indy worker’s obsessive imagination. But what the fuck is up with the Jacknife? I understand Nash is lazy and all, but how is setting a guy up for a powerbomb and then just dropping him supposed to be a believable finisher? I propose removing the Jack Knife from the litany of powerbombs and calling it, say, a powerbomb slam. Rant over.

Rating: **1/2

Handicap Match: Ernest “The Cat” Miller and Sonny Onoo vs. Jerry Flynn

This sucks just as much as you might imagine. In fact, I used it as an example of suckitude. At only seven minutes long, this drags on three separate occasions. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself, but unfortunately it’s the only one the match can lay claim to. For the record, Flynn sucked the least. But he still sucked.

Rating: DUD

Falls Count Anywhere Triangle Match: Hak vs. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Raven

Who gave this fifteen minutes? This match would have duly served its purpose at about eight, but as is, they spend most of the time looking around for a piece of plunder that hasn’t yet been completely dented or broken. Trash can shot number one: amusing. Trash can shot number thirty-four: not so much. The falls count anywhere stipulation is not used at all, as everything occurs in the crowded ring. The agony mounts until cleverly-named former porn star Chastity, supposedly Raven’s sister, sprays a fire extinguisher in his face to give Hak the win. Oh my god! She turned on her “brother”! By the way, Bam Bam Bigelow’s “Greetings from Asbury Park” was the best spot in the match.

Rating: ½*

World Tag Team Titles/Lumberjacks With Straps: Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko vs. Barry Windham and Curt Hennig (ch)

Sing it with me: “Lumberjacks with Straps yeah/Lumberjacks with Straps/Lumberjacks with Straps, yeah/Lumberjacks with Straps”. Add a funky beat to that and you’ve got a hit. But really, lumberjacks with straps? What the fuck? I guess it at least tangentially makes sense, as giving the lumberjacks straps does make it even more unappealing for a wrestler to roll to the outside. But it’s just way too over the top to not add a quotient of suck to the proceedings.

Which is really a shame, as this would have obviously been a really good tag match without the stipulation. As it is, we do get a great deal of solid tag formula in between Hugh Morrus and Prince Iaukea whipping Chris Benoit with leather belts. Personally, I think it’s time bookers stopped giving people who accuse professional wrestling of being homosexual entertainment so much to work with.

Everyone in this match is pretty great aside from Barry Windham, who’s merely competent. Considering the stink-fests he was putting audiences through as NWA champion in 1994, I’d say competent is an appreciable improvement. Benoit and Malenko take the titles following a little too much chicanery.

Rating: ***

Dog Collar Match: Saturn vs. Chris Jericho

Putting a dog collar match right after a match involving straps seems a little repetitive, but who am I to judge late 90’s WCW booking. Jericho, with his topknot and mincing, is only the second most feminine competitor in this match, as Saturn was in his weird contact lenses/bondage gear/dress period.

Jericho stalls for awhile before sending Ralphus to the back to reinforce his heeldom. The crowd dies immediately as they begin working most of the standard dog collar/chain spots without any real flair. At one point, Bobby Heenan claims he’s never seen a dog collar match before, which is presumably meant to be a joke, but he’s so drunk it doesn’t really make sense even on a Heenan level. Saturn picks up the win with two (?) sick Death Valley Drivers.

Rating: *3/4

Interlude: Hey Cena! Death Valley Driver > FU. But you already knew that.

TV Title: Scott Steiner (ch) w/Buff Bagwell vs. Booker T

Buff Bagwell sure did a silly dance. Steiner was square in the middle of his “I beat up referees” period, so official Mickey Jay keeps his distance. The champ starts things off with a nice bout of stalling before using his power game and Buff’s presence to his advantage. Whenever the playing field is leveled, however, Booker comes back with his arsenal of jumping side kicks. The back and forth goes on for a while until Booker uses Steiner’s predilection for referee violence as a distraction, putting Mickey Jay in the champ’s path before capitalizing with a rollup.

Rating: **1/4

Steel Cage/World Heavyweight Title/First Blood: Hollywood Hogan (ch) vs. Ric Flair

But wait, there are more stips! If Flair wins, he becomes WCW President for life; if he loses, he is banned from WCW FOREVER! Remember The Sandlot, where they’re talking about how if the ball went into the yard with The Beast, it would be lost forever, and their lips moved in slo-mo as they lowered the vocal an octave and played it over and over again: FOREVER….FOR-E-VER. Like that.

Flair takes the mic beforehand to encourage referee Charles Robinson “not to stop the match for just a trickle. Use your own discretion.” This is a relevant promo, what with the match being “first-blood” rules and all. Keep that in mind for later.

So things start out surprisingly okay, with Hogan using the power game and Flair responding with cheap tactics. Wait, who’s the villain here? They go for the double turn right away, with Hogan actually looking motivated and aggressive. He does the old “I can’t hear you” pose and the crowd bites, cheering predominantly for Hogan for the rest of the match. Things seem half decent…

…and then the weirdness starts. Flair gets busted open, and Charles Robinson uses his discretion to let the match continue. Only this isn’t a trickle of blood; it’s an old-school crimson mask. Then, Hogan gets busted open too. But the match continues. Hogan grabs “barbed razor wire” from the top of the cage and starts cutting Flair’s head with it. Though there are no visible barbs or razors, the point is that the match should really be over by now.

Things officially turn sour as David Flair and an as-yet-unnamed Torrie Wilson come to ringside to distract Flair. This allows Hogan to hit the big boot and legdrop for a very slow two count. So the ref has decided to start counting pinfalls, even though he wouldn’t earlier. What with this being a first blood match and all.

Finally, Arn Anderson runs to ringside, comically destroys David Flair and Torrie, and slips a tire iron through the cage to Flair. This occurs after a whole night of promotion insisting that nothing could get into the cage, and nothing could get out. Seems nobody thought about the whole fence thing. With the tire iron in hand, Flair wallops Hogan and takes the pinfall. As was so often the case with WCW PPV’s, one is left with a feeling not so much of satisfaction, or anger, or really any notable emotion whatsoever. The dominant feeling is confusion. As in, What the Fuck?

Rating: *

Overall: There was some good effort and unique stipulations, but the usual ridiculous overbooking and inscrutable storylines killed things pretty quickly. Interestingly enough, the sparks of greatness shown in a couple of the matches here would flare into something real by the next month’s Spring Stampede, a PPV that is actually quite excellent and worth checking out. This one, however, is pretty mediocre.

The Fuckchicken Review: All Japan Classics #4

Where’s the review for All Japan Classics #3, you ask? It’s with the Jimmy No Eyes cap and Matt Stryker: under a car somewhere, lost and forgotten.

But in all seriousness, I didn’t order it. It didn’t look as good as this one. Onward.

For the Vacant NWA United National Title: Ricky Steamboat vs. Genichiro Tenryu (2/23/84)

David Von Erich died two weeks prior to vacate the title, either of a heart attack or drug overdose, depending on who you believe. Interestingly, Von Erich had been slotted by the NWA (actually still a voting council at this point) to win the World Heavyweight Title sometime in the next month or two, but obviously never got around to it. In the meantime, we get this match to crown a new United National Champion. Of course, the UN Title is still around today as a part of the All Japan Triple Crown (alongside the PWF Heavyweight Championship and the NWA International Heavyweight Championship).

People always claim that Japanese wrestlers don’t match up to the Americans in terms of size, but Tenryu is slightly taller and much thicker here. Today Tenryu has some condition that makes it look like he has about 25 abdominal muscles of varying size, shape, and lumpiness, but here the midsection is relatively standard in appearance. (And of course, even now, it’s certainly not as gross as Dusty Rhodes’ ever-growing, palpitating black blotch. But that’s a discussion for another time).

Steamboat proves why he’s called the “Armdragon” in the match’s early going, snapping off some awesome armdrags and holding on for some hammerlocks and armbars. Tenryu fights back with the power game, surprisingly heeling up against the gaijin by turning a clean break from Steamboat into a stiff flying forearm from the top rope. He maintains control with a long headscissors, but Steamboat does an almost painfully elegant and controlled headstand to pull himself out. Unfortunately, his headlock counter is immediately countered back into the headscissors, proving that, despite what the original Kings of Wrestling have led us to believe, headstands won’t always get you where you need to be.

A series of figure-four reversals leads to both men rolling to the floor while still in the maneuver. The spot looks good, but works much better for me when there’s hatred involved. Here, it merely leads to a short minute on the floor before both men head in for the finish. Tenryu misses his no-look elbow drop, Steamboat hits the top-rope crossbody for a huge nearfall, but has a hiptoss countered into an abdominal stretch cutback for three. Tenryu takes the title and cuts a short promo in some inscrutable Japanese.

I’ve heard this match called a classic. It’s not, but it’s still damn good.

Rating: ***1/2

AWA Heavyweight Title: Jumbo Tsuruta (ch) vs. Nick Bockwinkel w/Special Referee Terry Funk (2/26/84)

This is a rematch from the bout on the last Classics disc I reviewed, and is taking place only a few days later, with Funk again serving as special ref. Bockwinkel’s pretty pissed this time, starting out in vicious fashion by going straight for Jumbo’s head (which, it should be noted, is not that Jumbo). Bockwinkel works the headlock, punctuating things every minute or so by running the top of Jumbo’s head straight into the corner turnbuckle. I like. He follows that up with a swank jumping piledriver, putting Jumbo in pretty serious trouble only a few minutes in.

Unfortunately, Bockwinkel pushes things by trying to steal Jumbo’s finisher, the butterfly suplex. That doesn’t work out so well, as Jumbo not only counters but transitions to offense, albeit offense that looks nowhere nearly as crisp or vicious as Bockwinkel’s. Bockwinkel brings the American move set with a back body drop, then follows it up by stealing Jumbo’s submission finisher, the Cobra Twist. What a bastard. When Jumbo hiptosses his way out, Bockwinkel accidentally crashes into Funk, who takes an awesome (and seemingly improvised) bump out of the ring. Funk continues to bring the awesomeness by running around frantically trying to avoid a criss-cross, only to decide he’s better off diving out of the ring. When Bockwinkel crossbodies Jumbo, the Japanese back-up ref has to jump in to administer the two count.

Bockwinkel decides to remove all doubt as to who’s cooler by hitting the best knee lift ever. He didn’t run up or anything; he just grabbed Jumbo’s head, set it in place, and then drove his knee into the side of his face. Jumbo tries to fire up in response to some legwork, but Bockwinkel brings him in from the apron with a legit brainbuster that could have been a deliciously botched regular suplex. Bockwinkel proceeds to destroy Jumbo’s legs in a variety of interesting ways, but when he takes him to the outside, Jumbo hangs onto the challenger’s legs for dear life, resulting in a double count-out. I like this match even more after recapping it.

Rating: ***3/4

George “The Animal” Steele vs. Thunder Sugiyama (7/25/74)

Well, this is certainly around just to fill time. Steele is hairy and slow, Sugiyama is short, squat, and doing some sort of sumo/judo gimmick. They plod around in awful fashion for a few minutes, with nothing of note happening other than a botched toss to the outside. Steele plays “hide the unidentifiable foreign object from the ref” for another minute or two, with Sugiyama doing a surprisingly intense bladejob off the shots. Things must be No DQ, because Sugiyama grabs the object, smashes Steele with it a few times right in front of the ref, and takes the easy pinfall victory.

Afterwards, Sugiyama continues the assault by hitting Steele with a series of “Thunder Drops”: with Steele in prone position, he jumps in the air as if doing a vertical splash, but fails to sit out, thereby making no real contact. Awful match.
Rating: DUD

PWF United States Title/Two out of Three Falls: The Destroyer (ch) vs. Mil Mascaras (10/9/73)

Both of these guys were around for approximately forever, wrestling for about a century combined. Mil Mascaras is the legendary luchador, Mexican movie star, and foe of Mick Foley who showed up at one of the Clash of the Champions about 20 years past his prime. The Destroyer is one of the masked personas of Dick Beyer (the other major one being Doctor X), who, along with a surprisingly high number of other major pro wrestlers, has a Masters in education. Instead of teaching kids mathematics, he went into business teaching fools the true meaning of pain. By destroying them.

Mil is actually the larger of the two wrestlers here in terms of both raw size and musculature, but that doesn’t stop him from some amazingly agile mat work. This is but one of many many many matches between the two, so the early going is awesome hold/counter hold sequences based on both their familiarity with one another and their desire to, well, not fuck up. We get an early version of the indy pose down followed by a Mil Boston Crab attempt countered simply and perfectly: Destroyer just hugs the leg to prevent Mil from turning him over. This in turn segues into an amusing sequence where they each have either other’s legs and roll back and forth in various pinning combinations before mutually deciding to just let go.

Everything in the match is done with perfect precision and a sort of actual intelligence missing from most wrestling today. Neither man gives the other anything without a reason, and all of the counters and holds actually make sense within the immediate and larger context of the match. Anyway, Destroyer pisses Mil off by shouldering him in the gut off a break and hitting a vertical suplex for two. Mil says “fuck that noise” and hits him with two flying cross chops to take the first fall.

Mil opens the second fall with a second cross-chop, but Destroyer says “No, fuck YOUR noise” and kicks out at one. Destroyer runs some more awesome, clever, and yet totally simplistic counters to a variety of moves, including a sequence where he counters a drop-down cradle by just rolling back through. Mil, annoyed by a few cheap shots, distracts the ref, backs Destroyer into the ropes, and casually hits him in the back of the head with his fist. Destroyer realizes he needs to get his ass in gear if he wants to retain and goes straight for the leg. After a few counters, he finally procures the figure four. Mil proceeds to do the single best sell job of the figure four EVER (especially impressive for a guy without the ability to use facial expression), as he just goes nuts trying to crawl away, turn over, and even climb up onto Destroyer in his attempts to escape. None of it works, however, and Mil has to submit.

Mil’s caught off-guard in fall three by Destroyer’s aggressiveness, as the champ starts picking him apart. The luchador scores a quick near-fall with the patented cross-chop, but Destroyer, learning from his mistakes, suckers him into attempting another one by the ropes. Destroyer ducks, sending Mil out and over. With the bad wheel, he’s unable to get back in and beat the ten count, allowing Destroyer to retain.

“But wait”, Mil says. “What’s with the fucking ten count? Aren’t we in Japan?”

“Oh, but dear sir,” replies the ref, “it is called the United States title. I’m afraid it doesn’t matter what country we’re in. Do your research, fill out the proper forms, and perhaps a rematch shall be granted.”

“Don’t worry you sorry old bastard. I’ll do it. I’ll fight the Destroyer again. And this time, I’ll be ready.”

Rating: ****1/2

PWF Heavyweight Championship: Giant Baba (ch) vs. The Sheik (4/28/73)

The U.S. title must have been the “wrestling” title, as these two weren’t exactly known for their ground game. Shohei “Giant” Baba, founder of All Japan Pro Wrestling, is awfully spindly for a giant, looking like he’d be more likely to scare birds away from the crop than intimidate a human being. The Sheik, Sabu’s uncle, is even less interested in wrestling than his nephew. Known for throwing tables, stabbing people in the face with shivs, and causing near-riots (which, admittedly, isn’t that difficult to do when you’re in Detroit), The Sheik pioneered the style of brawling that considered the old Memphis “hide the weapon from the ref” routine too subtle for the masses.

Baba’s PWF championship belt is, to my amazement, actually the size of a normal belt. I didn’t even realize it was separate from his trunks until he took it off.

The Sheik starts things off by attacking the ceremonial flower girl, threatening the crowd, and stabbing Baba in the throat with a spike. Eventually –some time later—the bell rings. Sheik does some choking, some biting, and some stabbing, busting Baba open. After about five minutes, Baba retaliates with much of the same. They travel to the outside and brawl there. Baba beats the count to retain around eight minutes in.

Rating: *1/4

Overall: Three bucks! Classic matches! Buy buy buy!!!